S.C.A.R.T.H. ACCESS TERMINAL

While auditing sub-basement blueprints to identify "unused square footage for potential budget efficiencies," we noticed a discrepancy in the north quadrant. Hoping to find a broom closet we could sublease, we dismantled a load-bearing wall of seized "Experience Regina" VHS tapes. We did not find revenue. We found Scott.

Scott is a Junior IT Analyst reported missing in 1996. He was sitting at the terminal, sporting a floor-length wizard beard and looking surprisingly healthy. He claims he has been maintaining the S.C.A.R.T.H. mainframe for 28 years while surviving entirely on "nutrient-rich condensation" dripping from the City Hall plumbing overhead.

Scott explains that this terminal controls a neural net of repurposed traffic cables buried beneath Scarth Street. He insists that the infamous "Wind Tunnel" outside the Cornwall Centre is not a weather phenomenon,it is simply the Mainframe’s exhaust fans venting heat from a particularly intense 1994 Zoning Bylaw.

It turns out the entire plumbing system of City Hall acts as a giant conductive antenna. Every time a Councillor speaks near a radiator, the vibration travels down the pipes to the VHS-insulated bunker. Here, the main water line was inexplicably grounded to the traffic control grid, conducting the debate frequencies straight out to the Scarth Street Mainframe..